Quotations compiled by Robert Zijp

[1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
~Lillian Carter~ (mother of Jimmy Carter)

[2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the
description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
~Eleanor Roosevelt~

[3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain~

[4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending ~ and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns~

[5] Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge~

[6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain~

[7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir. Mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain~

[8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates~

[9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx~

[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then, she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante~

[11] The male is a domestic animal which ~ if treated with firmness and kindness ~ can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper~

[12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor~

[13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine,
sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine~

[14] Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain~

[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol~

[16] Money can't buy you happiness ~ but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan~

[17] What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman~

[18] I am opposed to millionaires ~ but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain~

[19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
~Joe Namath~

[20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith~

[21] I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope~

[22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~WC Fields~

[23] We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Will
Rogers~

[24] Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Winston Churchill~

[25] Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Phyllis Diller~

[26] By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal~